episode seven

“it’s no use going back to yesterday, because i was a different person then…”

i have always related to lewis carroll’s story, “alice in wonderland.” i am alice.  or at least i have been in various stages of my life.  you see, we all write our own stories and we get to choose to who we are: the villain, the nemesis, the hero, the friend, the fairy godmother, the nurturer, the teacher, the wizard, the bizarre, but endearing cheshire cat or the mad hatter.  what i have found to be sad is that in many of the life stories walking around out there in this mad and mixed up world, there are many characters that haven’t quite discovered how to be the hero of their own story.  as humans, we live by breathing which means we are constantly breathing in all that is around us.  i don’t just mean fresh or polluted air.  i am talking about the emotions that float along in that air.  the anger, hurt, sadness and emphatic happiness…the overwhelming amounts of love and fear that we all carry around with us day to day. enter the adventure into wonderland, the unchartered territory in which we come to many forks in the road and endure many thresholds in which to cross.  the land where interesting creatures are discovered, some inside of ourselves.  a land of twists and turns, heartbreak and stitching things back together, a calming or crazy cup of tea, decisions of great magnitude awaiting an answer, never ending footprints left on our hearts and minds, a place where we are haunted by our pasts and seeking the light into our future.  advice is something to be cherished in this place as is friendship and spontaneity for your time there is sometimes too short.  we live and grow in this wonderland we each experience and then we come back out of the rabbit hole forever changed.  we are different from who we were yesterday.  every single day.

i have had a love//hate relationship with change for my entire life and as a child, growing roots was the most important thing for me.  a foundation that could not be broken or altered in a way that would invite change.  impossible right?  right.  when the first crack came in my foundation, i took the high road and chose to (eventually) accept and embrace the changes – key word there is eventually…as my dad reads this, i guarantee he’s laughing and reminiscing about how long “eventually” actually took. (thanks for the patience dad…and all my family and friends…as i learned this skill set.)  you see, a positive change or two, some glittering positivity, silver linings…all that…always helps and so does a toothy grin.  as the other cracks and bumps came i always came to a cross roads where i could choose the dark place that led to a forbidden forest of terror and fear or i could choose the path that lead me to sunlight and the curious unknown.  i’ve realized through all my life changes that it’s the only thing i can really count on.  don’t get me wrong…i have incredible people in my life that i can rely on and i can always count on myself, but at the end of the day…when all is said and done…change is your best friend. the one who is there as your constant companion through the good, the bad, and the ugly.  fear is my arch nemesis and yet i keep going back to him.  it’s like a bad break up that never really ends.  we all have that relationship with fear don’t we?  the kind that we just can’t shake completely…the one that lingers and we never really get over.  fear is as normal as change.  but when it comes to fearing change…i broke up with that concept a long time ago and vowed to never go back.  alice started her adventure as a scared and uncertain little girl and climbed out of the vastness that was her wonderland a changed and less fearful woman.  that’s what i hope to be.  a woman who is constantly embracing and making changes and choosing to let go of fear.  life is short.  our time in wonderland is not guaranteed.  we have to take the moments as they come and choose to give into temptation or resist it, to engage in conversation with a curious character and learn from all that they are…to stand up to the angry queen of hearts out there and choose a winning deck of cards, paint some roses red and fight for what and who we believe in.

as i journey through this city i love so dearly and meet new characters that help me write new chapters, i think of all the cities i have yet to discover.  i get nervous thinking about the changes i’m making lately and i have to remind myself that it’ll all work out and that my life is and should be an epic adventure that i compose on the pages of  every path i walk down.  and i will always be the hero of my own story.  i will always choose to fall down the rabbit hole and have my own wonderland…because anything else is rather dull.  life gets “curiouser and curiouser” and i can’t wait to embrace more changes and become a little more mad.  for as alice said, “all the best people are.”

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