episode eleven

“back beat, the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out…”

it never ceases to amaze me how deeply songs are connected to memory.  even when a song or lyric reminds you of something or someone that didn’t work out…maybe that person isn’t in your life anymore or they are in and out of your life…it doesn’t matter…the music is still always there for you.  we all have those moments where we become hardened and we create a cold war around our hearts to protect it from new hurt while the fresh cuts are still healing. some of us choose cynicism and pretend love doesn’t exist.  it just happens and it’s not a permanent state of being (usually)…just a little game you play with yourself until you’re back on your yellow brick road of jaded happiness.

heartache isn’t an easy thing to get through…ever.  especially when you have a lack of closure or hang ups that make it harder to move forward.  maybe you didn’t tell someone how you really and truly felt about them and then when you were finally ready, you missed your chance.  regrets, much like those scars on our hearts, take some significant time to get over…because with regret, we wonder what might have been if we had spoken up…if we had not lived out of fear, but out of love instead.  this concept is something i am really working on within myself these days.  so are some of my amazing friends and let me tell you, i am so grateful that i have some people to struggle through these learning curves with.   as i’ve written in previous episodes, i don’t let myself have regrets…fear and i just haven’t been working out.  the relationship has flat lined.  but i’m human…even though i’d like to think i have some kind of awesomely majestic powers…i still haven’t quite accomplished world peace, learned how to breathe underwater or conquered the art of teleportation…i’m still a work in progress. and let’s be real…sometimes the only sense you can really make out of life is a sense of humor…i find that inside jokes, tequila shots and your best friends can really assist in the development of your survival skills. (feel free to take a shot now).

when we get down to the heart of the matter and all that real life stuff, even though it really can feel like the fire in your heart is out…mostly because you probably doused it with water and let it freeze over a bit…it can thaw and you can ignite that fire inside yourself again.  and the best part about that is that you don’t necessarily need someone else to light it for you, although, i’ll admit…whether it be a few awkwardly boring drink dates or encounters with butterfly inducing persons…it all helps…there are indeed people out there that act as just the chisel you need to break down your ice castle and feel like you once again.  sometimes, in the middle of an ordinary life, you grow into an extraordinary version of yourself and out of strength within you that you didn’t think you had, you start rebuilding and your fire is back (mostly). so you finally put on your big girl panties, wipe your tears and get serious about follow through.  occasionally that means taking yourself (along with some generously saved up air miles-thanks dad-and a lot of love and support from your amazing friends and family) off to new places to expand your world view and to officially spread your wings and flee the nest. i’d be lying if i told you that i’m going off to australia in october with a perfectly mended heart and a consistently burning flame, but here’s the silver lining…regardless of my broken pieces and healing scars, i learn a little more every day about the person i’m meant to be in this world and it would seem i’m becoming more and more like a wildfire…you’re going to have a tough time trying to put me out.

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