episode thirteen

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“so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

best closing line of a classic novel ever.  any book ever, for that matter.  i just finished reading the great gatsby.  pathetic that it took this long.  but alas, i can now justify going to see the new movie…i’m no cheater.  i believe books should be enjoyed first. always.  when i read this last line, i physically felt something.  aside from the goose bumps that covered my skin, i felt a pang of sadness…a heaviness came over me that somehow glued me to the very spot i was laying on my bed reading. a sadness that brought me into my own past and all that it carried for me.  the other physical feeling i had was an overwhelming feeling of needing to flee.  like my arms actually hurt for flight.  i’m not making this up people.  it’s amazing when you come upon a song lyric or a line in a book, inspirational quote, what have you, and it speaks to your mind, body and soul.  that is what this line did for me.

if you’ve followed me from my pilot to what is now episode thirteen of this blog adventure i have started, you know i began this writer’s journey with a bit of a broken heart, a strong wanderlust, a big dream and some one-way plans.  throughout this process i have started to use this as a way to get to know myself more and to challenge myself into deeper vulnerability, test my boundaries and limits with giving up fear and other things that don’t serve me well and as a way to find bits and pieces of myself that i have lost over time or parts of me i have yet to tap into.  i’ve spent the past 8 months roaming around my city…attempting to open myself up to more spontaneity and chance…with my headphones and camera in tow, i have spent alone time, trying to listen to what my heart tries to tell me…welcoming each and every beat as a clue.  some kind of sign that makes sense of all the senseless.

turns out aside from some other stuff, my heart and its incessant beating have been telling me that time is on my side when it comes to travel.  it’s my turn and my time…to leave port and throw off the bow lines and sail away…maybe forever.  (no not really, i’ll come home…i promise.  someday.)  i have been working on “planning” more of my adventure and things are really starting to come together nicely which is further proof that this really is what i am supposed to do right now. writing “planning” in quotes is important.  you see the thing about life is…we’re told that we need to have a plan, but plans change and they can ruin expectations and disappoint you when they don’t work out.  i have found, after much research and heartbreak, that the lack of planning too much…yeah…there’s something to that, kids.  seriously.  don’t get so busy planning for things that you miss out on actually living your life.  i assure you, you will always figure it out. as i took the time to sit down and line out dates booked and weekends packed full of awesomeness in the months leading up to my departure i was again brought back into my past.  an overwhelming feeling came over me.  a reflection of all the time that has past and all that has occurred in that time.  so much has changed and i am not where i thought i would be, but that’s the surprising part…there is so much beauty and wonder in all that has changed for me in these last 8 months and in these past 27 years and where i am is even better than where i thought i would be.  although there have been some bad days…some really rough ones where i didn’t just have the blues, but the mean reds as well…where i was afraid but i didn’t even know what i was afraid of…all the days have continued to bring me closer to my goal and bring me closer to myself.  i am sure i have many more ahead of me as i get closer to my launch that will make me feel a deep melancholy for the things of my past, but i will also get more days where i am reassured with the tiniest detail or great words of encouragement that i am doing the absolute right thing for me right now.  i’ve had people who mean the world to me tell me how proud of me they are that i’m doing this and living out a dream i’ve had since i was a little girl.  it’s a great thing to hear.  the support i get from my incredible loved ones is the thing that keeps me going all the time, but here’s the irony in pride…it never really feels like enough until you’re proud of yourself.  looking back into my past recently…living out my present (let’s be serious, just surviving my present)…and not spending too much time “planning” my future…i’m proud of who i am on this end of the spectrum.  i finally feel like i’m growing into my best self and i am really kind of pretty much digging who that is.

she’s still a little lost and definitely cracked and jaded, but she’s the captain of her own ship now…and she’s taking her boat out to sea.  i will take the past along as a reminder, but i won’t let it be the anchor that holds me down…it has become fuel to push me towards each scarred beat of my newly intrepid heart.

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