“allow your past to make you better, not bitter…”
hmmm…easy for you to say anonymous pinterest quote. how does one not become bitter over life’s disappointments? i won’t be answering this question in this post so if you were in this for a load of wisdom, my sincere apologies for the let down. if any of you out there (who actually read my nonsense) have any inklings, please feel very free to share with the class. the above quote is something i’ve come across several times as i mindlessly scroll through pinterest from time to time…okay…almost everyday. and it always grabs me a little bit…hits me in my chest a tad…you know…where my heart must be…and then i continue finding my next thing to pin that i’ll forget about 2 minutes later.
the thing about bitterness is it doesn’t solve any of your problems…neither does a few glasses of wine or a bottle of jack, but they tend to help you feel better if only for a time. so as i sit here drinking a glass of black bubbles sparkling shiraz, from my beloved australia, i am contemplating the question…and inevitably checking in with some bitterness i may have recently acquired. the thing is, we all know life is short. we all know we take it for granted and then poof…it’s gone and someone we love is taken from us or something bad happens to keep you in check and miraculously your entire life is put into perspective and you start making some changes. unfortunately, we all get so caught up in the day to day hustle that we only make those changes temporarily…mostly. at the end of the day, regardless of some of the changes you make, no matter how permanent, that person is still gone or that bad thing still happened…or your heart still aches or whatever your ailment may be that tests your patience, understanding, gratitude and ability to stare bitterness right in the eye and tell it to shove off. and the truth is, sometimes being bitter or angry or f*cking hot pissed at someone or something, just feels good! it just feels good to take on the color red for awhile and revel in the negative. the important thing is to dig yourself out quickly so as not to become an empty shell kind of person who got so lost in the anger and collecting people to hold grudges against that they lose their own humanity. it’s a tricky balance to find. trust me, i know. somehow, despite the example i have had from a family member and rough genetics aside, i have figured out a way to snap out of my negative nancy moments and continue walking the line. i find though, that the older i get and the more people i let in…and get hurt by, the harder it is not to just lose my faith in people altogether, give up hope and take up residence in a dark hole…fully stocked with my favorite adult beverages of course. but my heart. my silly, hopeful heart. she’s the one that reminds me that behind the walls i have built and the chains and locks i’ve wrapped around it, i’m still me. and me is not bitter. i may get wrapped up in a feeling sometimes and find myself a little lost in darkness, but that’s just it…i find myself…and i get back to the light.
a friend told me today that we may never know the answer to my question, but that we’re all walking around making mistakes and learning our lessons…and it’s damn hard and sometimes it just f*cking hurts, but that’s life. that’s the dance…and she’s right. if you choose life, if you choose to dance, you’ll never allow yourself to give up hope. so, i’m strapping on my blue suede shoes and a rather large backpack (that i still have yet to purchase) and i’m dancing into the new…and leaving behind the old. because all the travel books i’ve read have informed me that immigration won’t accept bitterness if it’s attached to your passport…and i have to make a good impression dancing into my new life…and it can only get better from here.