“you used to be much more…’muchier.’ you’ve lost your muchness…”
well we can all guess where this is going…
6 months (& some change) in…probably pretty normal to be feeling a little lost, hey? it’s been awhile since i took the time to really connect with my own heart space and write about the feelings stuff…but jokes aside, i have reached an international breaking point and it’s time to face the music.
when i journeyed over the river and through the woods to get to this island of dreams, i promised myself i was doing this for me and only me and that nothing was going to get in my way of pursuing this travel bug that i caught. turns out…i have gotten in my own way. somehow i put that overwhelming feeling of passion and adventure i came here with on hold…i lost myself in the grind of working again and found a routine. don’t get me wrong, the routine i have taken on is a fun one…with the bartending life comes fun nights out when you’re not working week nights so your wednesday becomes your saturday and your fridays become the normal workers monday. unfortunately, what i have to show for this new routine is only awesome memories and very little money. i have connected with some awesome people and i feel so fortunate to be able to have a home away from home and a group of mates who have become my aussie family. i am grateful. but i got lost. i misplaced my compass at some point between mid-december holiday homesickness and “how the hell is it already mid-april?” and i need to find it again. when you lose yourself in the shuffle of things, the bad luck…well it always seems to start pouring in…which is to be expected really. if you don’t feel like yourself, you feel a loss of control…which isn’t always a bad thing. in my case, it was a tsunami of some bad shit happening and the silver lining after the storm was inevitably: clarity. i suddenly got my eyesight back and was able to see i desperately needed my “me” time back. like i actually physically felt like i was hurting for it.
after some work dramas, losing some hours on the roster, stressing about money, i am refocused, got another bar job, have decided on a short term life goal of quiet hermit crabitude with occasional social gatherings and less frequent nights out, to really bank away for the next couple months and plot my next adventure. when you are constantly moving, living out of a backpack and always seeing new places and new faces for a full on 3 months and then you stop and settle in somewhere for awhile, it feels nice for a bit…to have a place to sleep for more than a week and a place to breathe, but what i have noticed is that i miss my life on the road. the constant moving and even the back pain from carrying my pack down a stretch of blistering hot highway, listening to music whilst waiting for a bus that may never come at a dodgy bus stop, not knowing what train to catch or where your next meal might be coming from…i actually miss it. when you’re in a new place, away from the comfort zone of the life you left behind, it’s easy to get wrapped up in new things…strong drinks, late nights, loud techno music, night owl sleeping schedule, daytime laziness with occasional productivity, new boys that turn into distractions that you thought you needed, but realize you never wanted…that’s when i felt suffocated. i was fighting for air…the kind you can enjoy alone, away from other people.
enter april, the month of growth and rebirth…and she’s not lacking in irony. i recently moved from my glenelg beach room to a different suburb. no beach, but a beautiful park, closer to the new job, easy bus transport and fellow night owl housemates…and did i mention the generously cheap rent and fabulous wardrobe to style from?! these past two weeks (confession: i have been working on this blog post since march…literally), have been pure bliss…discounting this cold i have been fighting off for days. in these past 14 days of rebirth, she has risen! that me time i was yearning for so much…mission accomplished. i have started and finished 3 books, finally started running again (pre-sickness battle), relaxed on the floor listening to loud music, become a vegetarian, decided to get serious beach bod motivation and join the tone it up fitness life to regain a healthy outlook to eating, exercising and loving my body, written some powerful vision lists of short and long term goals and purchased a ticket to wide open space 2014-an arts, music and culture festival in central australia that is sure to help me regain some perspective. wearing flowers in your hair at hippie fests in the desert tend to do that for a girl.
as i continue settling into life in adelaide…saving for the road trip of a lifetime…my road to rediscovery has already begun. and i am finally getting back to me again…making lemon drop martinis as i go.
photo credit: Erin Riley