“i’ve been trying to get down, to the heart of the matter…but my will gets weak. and my thoughts seem to scatter…”
reader warning: sappy heartfelt post ahead. proceed with caution, violins and tissues. donations of wine and chocolate are happily accepted via airmail.
i have had three people i love visit me at a point in this australia journey now and i have noticed a pattern…they trigger the old me. this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as the pre-backpacker bad ass me was still a pretty cool human, it’s just a thing. familiar faces tend to bring familiar feelings, conjure up memories and a sense of peace. yes, the three lovely people who have come to see me while i have been away from home have invoked all those things…but they have also brought up things that i apparently have become good at forgetting in their absence and in being so far from the places and people i have always known.
emotions i have stuffed down at the bottom of my pack, successfully forgotten about, tried to forget about, pushed away, ignored, stacked new distractions, new feelings and a new way of life on top of…all that stuff…they keep choking their way to my surface when i see a familiar face and i will be honest, not a fan. when i came here, i felt relatively sure of myself, who i was, who i want to be…what i needed, a hopeless dreamer who was finally catching her dreams and embarking on living them. but i also came here a little bit broken. we all have bits and pieces that separate as we keep on keepin’ on through life and i didn’t run from anything in my coming here, however, i did have some unfinished business with my heart space. seeing people who know me so well, who i can’t hide my real-ness from, brings all the business back to the table and i am finding it difficult to keep fighting the very pushy lump that continues to rise up in my throat. such is life though, hey?
life. death. love. hate. happy. sad. together. apart. we make it through don’t we? what i know is, that my heart is an amazing organ capable of being open as much as it’s able to be closed, it pumps life into me and feels deeply with each breath i take, holds secrets and truths, it cannot tell a lie, it is big and full of love and it is patient and kind. what i am still learning is who to give it to and how to trust it. and what i have embraced is the bits of happiness you can and must hang onto when your heart is a little sad. something that time and distance has taught me…you cannot change a heart already formed. no matter how much you wish it would…
so even though i left my beloved seattle with some loose strings still attached, i am finding out that you can tighten the heart strings…and sometimes you must cut them entirely…from my dear australia.