it is time…

“our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go.  but no matter, the road is life…” 

leaving should be outlawed.  feeling the immense amount of pain i feel currently in my leaving, should be used as a form of torture for bad people who do bad things.  this shit hurts.  i don’t have days anymore, i am now down to hours and they are going too damn fast.  i woke up at 3am…to get some last minute cuddles in while i still could with the incredible soul who has managed to heal my heart as well as steal it.  i left a family i helped create with fantastic friends last night…and this morning through tears, i had to leave my beautiful englishman back in cairns.  a 4am shuttle to the airport always comes too soon.  a 6am flight always comes too soon.  but i am still grateful for the extra time i got in choosing to book a flight from cairns to catch my international flight back to the states from brisbane.  time is what i needed most…but it still wasn’t enough.

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i wanted to cry when i landed in brisbane…i did when i called my dad for the first time in a month…but i wanted to cry because it meant i was about to wait 3 hours and have to face the reality that i am leaving australian soil.  today easily classifies as a bad day.  i wanted to cry when i saw los angeles printed on my plane ticket transfer from fiji.  i cried going through immigration knowing it was a “no turning back” check point.  these next 6 hours waiting in nadi, fiji for my flight to LAX hell will be excruciating.  i wanted to cry when i realized that i still haven’t figured out the art of teleportation…especially now when it would be so incredibly useful in my life.  i feel like a child screaming, “life isn’t fair”.  life is beautiful and holy shit have i been living a fantastic one…don’t get me wrong.  i appreciate every single breath each day…the hard part is when you have to let go of the people who help you breathe.  it feels forced now…like a task.  not the natural inhale and exhale that generates from the distinctly beautiful calm you get when you find where you belong and the people you belong with.

new chapters happen. they have to in order to keep the book going. i know this.  but facing that fact is shit.  that’s the simple truth.  today is shit.  leaving is shit.  saying goodbye is shit.  i am a silver lining kind of gal so on the upside, i am smiling from ear to ear knowing that i have a family and heaps of amazing friends back stateside that are awaiting my arrival home…and i really can’t wait to hold them and share my stories.  i have one hell of an amazing family in my south australia home to come back to someday, preferably tomorrow when i wake up and this whole leaving thing was all a dream and i regain 6 more months and get to live them all over again…and now, i also have an around the world family…a family of peace and love and generosity and pure acceptance…they say home is where the heart is.  i have a home in many places and the people from those places, now have all the space in my heart.

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it’s just a shame all those feel goods don’t make the act of saying goodbye or see you later any easier.  connecting with other humans in the way i have been open to this past year makes the pain of going that much deeper…the cut tears and of course it heals and when i see my favourite international faces again someday, i will be back in that natural state of breathing.  when i get to be back in the arms of the man who taught me many things, who finally appreciated me the way i deserve, who showed me what it’s like to be adored with no faulty intentions, who wasn’t afraid to show me how much he cared, i will know that euphoric calm again.  so although one adventure is ending…it’s only the beginning of this new one and all the people i have now, are without a doubt, worth every smile shared and tear shed until we meet again…

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photo credit: Yuki Rot

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