adulting 101…

“it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are…” -e.e. cummings

as i sit here drinking coffee that will never be strong enough for a monday, listening to french music that i don’t understand except for a few scattered words and phrases, i’m reflecting on adulthood.  what even is this trickery?  i feel like the universe is laughing at my expense…like, daily…and although, i laugh along with it most days, today i am stuck on some pretty intense thoughts…and they aren’t really that funny.  i’ve considered myself to be a pretty decent, highlight decent, adult for the past almost 12 years, give or take a few years in there where i likely acted far more grown up than i have in the past 2 years, but it’s all part of the journey…right?

right.  this morning i was thinking about my old nanny job.  how sometimes my days were filled with fighting for a half hour about what socks the adorable little was going to wear out in the world for our adventures.  let me tell you, in case no one else has, the terrible twos…not a thing.  terrible threes on the other hand, THAT is a force to be reckoned with.  you won’t win.  you’ll just {hopefully} survive the 365 days of it and come out all the better…with more love and adoration for that little life force you’re responsible for.  during the terrible threes of my nanny days, i reached a point of such contention, i had to consult the googles…from the nanny perspective.  without much help, having exhausted all tools in my established childcare toolbox, i took to an elder.  a montessori teacher to be exact who basically told me that in my daily  bouts of disagreement with a tiny person who had more opinions and pieces of herself to share than a {then} 25 year old caretaker would care to admit she argued with, i was informed i had been giving the fierce little one too much power.  ohhhhh!  thank you for saving me and teaching me a valuable life lesson…at any age.   the solution, was to take back some power from the growing, independent, headstrong brilliant child and pick for her.  give her a time frame in which to choose from a small selection of socks, if she can’t pick, choose for her, grab the shoes if they aren’t already on her feet, sling the coat and her over my shoulder and regardless of the kicking and screaming, get her in the car safely moving towards our activity for the day…before she had a chance to sabotage it for herself and bruise my pride.  take the power back.  ugh…

reflecting this morning on that time where sock selection was at times the most stressful part of my day, a wish developed.  i wish, with all my might, that someone would take the power back.  i don’t want to be this independent, strong willed, half girl/woman thing i am attempting to be now.  someone just grab my socks and coat and stuff me in a car and take me where i need to be please?!  i am exhausted of making the choices…deciding my own fate, navigating my destiny, responsible for my own safety and happiness.  someone just pick for me.  career, city, man, living space, etc. please?  s’il vous plaît?  thanks! merci beaucoup!  if only adulting were this easy…what i find instead, is that i wake up each morning and before even choosing my outfit of the day, i have to choose to be happy or be a b*tch.  i get to choose whether or not i am a courageous warrior that day or a scared, lost soul.  will i choose to rock it at my job that i feel doesn’t challenge me in any exciting ways?  or will i choose to seek new opportunities while killing it at task and time management, relishing in the fact that this is just a means to an end?  all these choices BEFORE i have to make myself my morning cup of coffee.  are you annoyed with my rantings yet?  my woe is me musings?  i am.  trust me when i say, you haven’t signed up for a pity party post.  but for serious, why is there no manual for this thing they call adulting?  who makes these rules?  who makes it all make some tiny ounce of bloody sense?!  i’m told that we do.  you know, us wandering souls who are supposed to make our own rules, regret nothing, kick ass, take names, become the best, most brilliant versions of ourselves…? us.  me.

if i could just have one more day where i am in a terrible three’s stage again… screaming over sock stress, i would take it.  knowing that i get a nap that day, falling asleep to someone singing a special song to me and reading a book or two.  knowing someone is making me a tasty snack when i wake up…making sure i remember to eat that day.  it would be so damn nice to just have someone grab the power back for a day and make my decisions for me…while still trying to fuel my independence and support my free will.  if only…

while i finish my {now} cold coffee and continue trying to translate these songs playing on my “french holiday” spotify playlist, i can’t help but wonder…is growing up a trap?  or is it actually a courageous act?  stay tuned as i go forth in matching socks to seek answers…

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photo credit: pinterest

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6 thoughts on “adulting 101…

  1. While I can relate to this on MANY levels (having spawned the 3 year old terribleness described above and also wrestled with it on too numerous to count occasions AND also adrift in my own adult life), I’m pretty confident that we (I) don’t hold all that much power. Or maybe when things are really grooving and you feel like you are kicking ass is when you are making the “right” [sock] choices. When it feels like I’m hitting my head against a wall, or tumbling around on hamster wheel, or taking one step forward for every two steps back, I’m thinking that maybe the universe IS in charge and I’m not paying attention? I don’t profess to have the answers, all I can say is I hear ya, and you are not alone in this conundrum. And growing up might just be overrated. And I think you have figured out a way to not grow up all the way and you are doing pretty fine by yourself. Keep rockin’ it, Hallie!

    • it’s true…power is a mirage maybe. i think i tend to miss the moments where beautiful childish innocence filled and fueled my days…thanks to that amazing spawn of yours! i’ve been told my whole life that i am an old soul and also young at heart. perhaps my life’s true journey will be mastering balance between the two opposing concepts and not experiencing combustion in the process 😉
      it always feels good to not be alone and to know i have an amazing team on my side. thanks for the support and always offering the words of encouragement i need, G. love you. xx

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